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So this has been quite the wild ride. As you could tell the other post was very delayed. I indeed left home to return to my studies but because me and my friend where touring around I didn’t have nor mind nor decent wifi to post anything.

Also I forgot all my passwords. Great.

Right now I just want to talk a little about disapointment. Nothing too deep tho it’s almost 1am over here. I just wanna get rid of the heavy feeling on my chest not depress myself and everybody in the process.

You know the feeling right? When you were so expectantly waiting for something to happen and then it doesn’t or it does but it wasn’t as good as you hyped it up to be and you just deflate? Curl in on yourself and just wither a little?

I stayed up with my friend and we were expectantly waiting to watch smth we both love. And we built it up so much in our heads that when we watched it and I didnt love it I just felt a little defeated.

It sounds stupid. A completely obvious first world problem but it works for everything in our lives. When you want something to be so good, when you wanna like it so much that you even will your body into somehow physically enjoying it but then it falls short from your expectations and you just have a small quiet death on the inside.

Mom always tells me not to expect much. Because if I dont expect much it doesn’t hurt so bad when I don’t get it. Same goes for people. If you don’t expect so much from them it doesn’t hurt so bad when they don’t come through.

But you see, I’m a dreamer. I expect everything. I make castles on clouds, sand, sea foam you name it. Of course I don’t expect everything to always go my way but I believe that if I believe enough, if I work hard enough I’ll be able to do it, get it, go.

And so far life’s been kind. And I shouldn’t complain, especially not for something so trivial, but I think that these little trivial things are what make our lives have a little more meaning. A little extra brightness.

And because Im disapointed right now my bright light is a little dimer. Gotta work on polishing it until it becomes blindingly bright once more

R

Returning

So I’ve returned. Left my wonderfully cozy home and came to my slightly less wonderfull but still blessedly cozy second home. Except Im not going home yet.

Me and a friend decided to go crazy and spend a buck or two on a trip. So as we speak, or read…or write, I’m confortably seated on a bus watching the scenary go past through the window with a full bladder and a yet to be popped ear.

Cause that’s the beauty of riding an airplane whilst having the cold of the century. Your ears dont pop back.

I dont know what to think honestly. Everybody was mildly tearful when saying goodbye. Im used to this already but I still tear up when I see my mom following me waving goodbye until she can go no further.

For an adult you think I should have gotten it together by now. And who says I didnt really. I love this place but every comeback is like I’ve resigned to a fate I could not change. My whistful soul is howling.

Im one of those people who is influenced a lot by the weather so this brownish naked landscape with remnants of snow slowly melting away in the afternoon sun fits perfectly with my mood today

But because this post has been serious enough let me tell you that I love being the one blowing their nose on a quiet bus. Or plane. Or car. Or house. Anything really. I never feel as foreign as when I do that. Like suddenly my cover was blown and all eyes are on me, a thousand people curious to see what I’m doing. But thankfully that’s all in my head.

I hope

R

“Pre-smth” Jitters

Before I start with the pleasantries I have a question. Am I the only one who gets “pre-smth” jitters?

Now, because I know I’m going to begin rambling on, let us catch our breaths.  Hi there, welcome to the blog. How was your day? I had a good one actually. Nothing quite threw me off of a surprisingly nice mood with only a few hours of sleep. Not even my fantastically carved under eye bags or the fact that I dropped half my makeup all over my bathroom floor beat my peppy mood.

But back onto the real subject here, because I tend to ramble on… I’m leaving home in about a week. To be more precise, I’m leaving home in 9 days and I swear I’m already feeling the jitters. Actually, no scratch that. I’ve been feeling the jitters since about the 18th. And It’s not that I don’t wanna go back. I do. It’s just that…I really wanna stay too.

I’m managing my studies, I live in a nice healthy environment with enough space for me to be happy in, I’m very slowly starting to make friends but…I’m alone. It’s like, I have people all around me, I talk to my family, my boyfriend, my friends here at home all day everyday (minus time differences), but I still feel so utterly and completely alone.

It’s a jarring feeling let me tell you that.

You know those cliche movies where the main character just suddenly stops in the middle of a crowd on the pouring rain or on a bustling train station, looks around and has this big mind blowing realisation that he’s all alone? Same here but minus the pouring rain, thank you very much.

It’s not like I don’t have the support I need, because I do. It’s not like I’m not somehow managing to stay afloat with what I’m doing cause I’m floating, but it’s still quite…empty. And I didn’t realise how much until I moved.

I lived in a dorm with a bunch of other people, and made some really nice friends. But dorms are also a double edged sword. Even though I made a friend for life there, I just couldn’t wait to get out, be finally independent and free from all that negative energy there. But now that I am independent and got rid of all that bad mojo, I came to the conclusion that I probably relied on my friend too much.

Which is completely normal. But sucks when even though you’re in the same timezone suddenly you’re in two opposite ends of the country. Big sarcastic thumbs up for that. Going to meet her now when I go back for a blessed vacation/exploration part.2 before the semester kicks in.

And that helps. So much. Being weird with my friends and having fun is like a salve to a wound. But the fact that I’m leaving home again, leaving my bed, my room, my everybody behind again is slowly chipping away at me. The nightmares are non-stop. I’ve evolved from my childhood’s night terrors to adulthood daily nightmares. Less scary but still really unpleasant.

This is what I’m calling the “pre-smth” jitters. Everytime I have to do smth, or smth major is gonna happen to me I get nightmares. For weeks. Months even. This one time beginning of last year I had a really big exam coming up. Like, fate determining level exam. It was make it or break it, and I had to make it no matter what. I ended up succeeding thank God, but until the day of the exam I spent the good part of a month without proper sleep. I just kept having nightmare after nightmare after nightmare.

So it really wasn’t a surprise to me when several nights of fitful sleep suddenly escalated to me waking up shivering last Sunday from a bout with a particularly nasty nightmare. What annoys me here is that my nightmares aren’t even scary! Well, okay that’s a good thing, cause I’m not waking up screaming bloody murder, but that’s besides the point. The point is that they are weird, even nonsensical at times, and I just wake up feeling confused and mildly nauseated.

And I try, honestly I do, not to worry, to think positive and be cheerful and thankful for the time that I have left here at home, until the next time I can come back, but it’s so damn hard to stay peppy every single moment of the day when your flight back date is hanging over your head like a french guillotine.

Anyways…This was one heck of a rant. I would say sorry for that but my rants are really the whole point of this blog so…half a sorry maybe? I know I’m not alone in this, but well here is my post as well, letting you know out that you aren’t alone either.

Stay happy~~

R

 

So this happened

Hi there!

So I’ve started a blogpost…finally. I’ve been toying with the idea of starting one up since forever but I’ve never seemed to gather the guts for it. You see, through this blogpost I just wanna share bits and pieces of my daily life without it being all about me? If it makes any sense. I wanna share stuff that happens to me, to those around me and to the environment I’m in. And I just want this to be something you can relate to. Something that makes you feel like you’re not alone. And first and foremost I want this to make you chuckle, smile, or even grin. If just for a little while.

I’m just your ordinary girl living what is becoming all around a more and more ordinary lifestyle. Studying really far away from home with a heck of a time difference. Yikes. Thanks a lot. But no seriously thank you. This was a major opportunity for me and even though I complain a lot (like a loooot) about bits and pieces of what are most probably daily struggles, this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

I’m home now. Well I am home, but I’m actually about to leave. I came home for winter holidays and time’s ticking. Fast. I haven’t been home in…how long has it been really? 7 months I guess. Felt it all the way to my bones. Cause you see, I was one of THOSE teenagers who weren’t comfortable were they were. I was just so awkward? I guess…? So I figured that my life was out there! That out of lala land over here was were I would really find… I don’t know, life, love, true happiness… I guess. Well ain’t Karma something.

I’m laughing myself away over here but this was serious business for my 16yo self. Heck for my 18yo self. Took me a while and a serious case of anxiety induced near depression to understand that IN MY CASE what I needed was to be comfortable in my own skin. Because I had everything I needed here. I just needed to clean my glasses proper. Said bye bye to “friends” who really really weren’t good for me, say hi to friends that are, started to listen more to what my boyfriend had to say (love of my life this one) and started to reshape my life to what i really wanted it to be. One step at a time.

So now that I’m away from the place that I’ve painstakingly made for myself, it’s not enough to say that I’M SCARED. I AM SO SO FREAKING SCARED I CANNOT. But I’m not the only one out there. I’m not the only one who is scared, and helpless and alone. I feel like even though it’s only been a year and a half since I’ve started this whole crazy thing I’ve aged 20 years. Worrying about saving enough money to pay my phone bill, my rent AND still eat comfortably has become a monthly struggle. Please oh please can’t I have my mom back? I miss roast.

So here is a bit of background to me and what’s happening in this crazy life of mine. I’ll try to update this blog fairly regularly with more bits and pieces of my daily struggles.

Stay tuned~~

R