Before I start with the pleasantries I have a question. Am I the only one who gets “pre-smth” jitters?
Now, because I know I’m going to begin rambling on, let us catch our breaths. Hi there, welcome to the blog. How was your day? I had a good one actually. Nothing quite threw me off of a surprisingly nice mood with only a few hours of sleep. Not even my fantastically carved under eye bags or the fact that I dropped half my makeup all over my bathroom floor beat my peppy mood.
But back onto the real subject here, because I tend to ramble on… I’m leaving home in about a week. To be more precise, I’m leaving home in 9 days and I swear I’m already feeling the jitters. Actually, no scratch that. I’ve been feeling the jitters since about the 18th. And It’s not that I don’t wanna go back. I do. It’s just that…I really wanna stay too.
I’m managing my studies, I live in a nice healthy environment with enough space for me to be happy in, I’m very slowly starting to make friends but…I’m alone. It’s like, I have people all around me, I talk to my family, my boyfriend, my friends here at home all day everyday (minus time differences), but I still feel so utterly and completely alone.
It’s a jarring feeling let me tell you that.
You know those cliche movies where the main character just suddenly stops in the middle of a crowd on the pouring rain or on a bustling train station, looks around and has this big mind blowing realisation that he’s all alone? Same here but minus the pouring rain, thank you very much.
It’s not like I don’t have the support I need, because I do. It’s not like I’m not somehow managing to stay afloat with what I’m doing cause I’m floating, but it’s still quite…empty. And I didn’t realise how much until I moved.
I lived in a dorm with a bunch of other people, and made some really nice friends. But dorms are also a double edged sword. Even though I made a friend for life there, I just couldn’t wait to get out, be finally independent and free from all that negative energy there. But now that I am independent and got rid of all that bad mojo, I came to the conclusion that I probably relied on my friend too much.
Which is completely normal. But sucks when even though you’re in the same timezone suddenly you’re in two opposite ends of the country. Big sarcastic thumbs up for that. Going to meet her now when I go back for a blessed vacation/exploration part.2 before the semester kicks in.
And that helps. So much. Being weird with my friends and having fun is like a salve to a wound. But the fact that I’m leaving home again, leaving my bed, my room, my everybody behind again is slowly chipping away at me. The nightmares are non-stop. I’ve evolved from my childhood’s night terrors to adulthood daily nightmares. Less scary but still really unpleasant.
This is what I’m calling the “pre-smth” jitters. Everytime I have to do smth, or smth major is gonna happen to me I get nightmares. For weeks. Months even. This one time beginning of last year I had a really big exam coming up. Like, fate determining level exam. It was make it or break it, and I had to make it no matter what. I ended up succeeding thank God, but until the day of the exam I spent the good part of a month without proper sleep. I just kept having nightmare after nightmare after nightmare.
So it really wasn’t a surprise to me when several nights of fitful sleep suddenly escalated to me waking up shivering last Sunday from a bout with a particularly nasty nightmare. What annoys me here is that my nightmares aren’t even scary! Well, okay that’s a good thing, cause I’m not waking up screaming bloody murder, but that’s besides the point. The point is that they are weird, even nonsensical at times, and I just wake up feeling confused and mildly nauseated.
And I try, honestly I do, not to worry, to think positive and be cheerful and thankful for the time that I have left here at home, until the next time I can come back, but it’s so damn hard to stay peppy every single moment of the day when your flight back date is hanging over your head like a french guillotine.
Anyways…This was one heck of a rant. I would say sorry for that but my rants are really the whole point of this blog so…half a sorry maybe? I know I’m not alone in this, but well here is my post as well, letting you know out that you aren’t alone either.